dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize