I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have fence marks all over my body
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
