A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
