My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
