You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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