if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
