maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
