It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
