Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
