my phone needs a breathalizer
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
