nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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