It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize