mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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