Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
