its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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