woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
