so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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