i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I supernannyed him into submission
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
