Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
