I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize