I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
