is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
