The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
