dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
