Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
