Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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