i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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