new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
