I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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