DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Never underestimate the power of titties
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
