I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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