Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
