i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
