I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
