i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
