wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
