I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
