I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
