yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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