i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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