so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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