This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
