I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
