Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
