ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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