I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
