What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i drank out of a bidet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
