The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
