thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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