woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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