Just fell off a train. Bad.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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