I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
