I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
