i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i will never coherently bang her
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
