Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
