someone threw a dead crab at me
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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