Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
