come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I didn't notice because vodka
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
