She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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