watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
NoShamevember. You game?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
