Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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