she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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