I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
