what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
